2023-04-05
I cried for the first time in a while today. Putting my emotions into text like this helps me get over myself a little quicker.

It's so difficult to love yourself.
I have a stable life. I will never go hungry, unlike billions of people. I am privileged, and live a life my grandparents couldn't even have imagined.
The question: Why then, do I feel so empty inside?
The answer: I am not loved.

The question I've been struggling with for a while is "have I ever been loved?"
I think the answer to that one is, unfortunately, no.
My parents don't want me around. I disappoint them daily with my failure to fulfill my potential. I hate myself for it.
My friends don't want me around. I'm not fun to talk to, I don't get invited to parties. I hate myself for it.
Society doesn't want me around. I'm an anomaly. Even in places where I feel most free to show who I am, love who I love, I'm stifled by it. I wish I could be normal.
I wish I could be normal.
I hate myself for it.

In that case, what's stopping me? From doing what I can't say out loud, for fear of making it real?
The answer: I don't know. Something's there. But I've held the knife, looked out my window, held the pills in my hand.
And I'm still alive.